It’s heartbreaking that many parents and adult children find themselves estranged from one another. There are all sorts of reasons why this might happen – from fights over money or control to hurt feelings that never healed.
But is there ever a chance for reconciliation? According to Joshua Coleman, the answer is yes. Coleman is an expert in both estrangement and reconciliation, and he says that 60 percent of the estranged children he contacts are willing to talk. However, some obstacles must be overcome before parents and their adult children can come back together.
Psychologist Peg Streep, who studies this topic, shared her thoughts.
One of the biggest obstacles is that both sides must be willing to talk about what happened. Often, when people are estranged, they’re not interested in rehashing old arguments. But it’s essential to try to understand what went wrong and why.
Another obstacle is that the child may demand recognition or an apology from the parent. It can be difficult for parents, but trying to meet the child’s needs is essential. But will pride allow parents to do it? In most cases – no.
The main issue that people seem to face is being unwilling to accept the outcomes of their choices. It often comes down to a single root cause: parents not wanting to take responsibility for their actions and blaming others instead.
Many excuses for this behavior include thinking, “they did the best they could” or “everyone makes mistakes.” Both sides need to take responsibility for their actions and try to move forward.
Scapegoating is when one family member is blamed for all the problems, which usually prevents parents from accepting any other scenario. Parents must be willing to see their children as individuals with their thoughts, feelings, and needs to reconcile.
It’s also crucial to remember that the reconciliation process is long and may not happen overnight. Parents and their adult children need to be patient and understand that rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship will take time. But if both sides are willing to work on it, reconciliation is possible.
Streep says the most important thing for both sides is to remember that the relationship is worth saving. “It’s hard enough being a parent,” she says. “It’s even harder when you’re not on good terms with your child.”
So Peg Streep thinks that reconciliation between an adult child and a parent is often impossible because it has many obstacles.
Alienation does not heal you. It creates more pain.
These obstacles can be challenging to overcome, but it’s essential to remember that the relationship is worth saving.
Coleman’s book, “Rules of Alienation,” is an excellent resource for anyone interested in learning more about estrangement and reconciliation. It provides a detailed look at the reconciliation process and how to overcome obstacles.
