It’s been a few months since you and your ex broke up. You thought you were okay, but now you’re not so sure. Everywhere you turn, there the ex is. In the grocery store, at the gym, even out with friends – it seems like he’s everywhere! And to make matters worse, he keeps trying to be friends with you. You don’t know what to do; on the one hand, you want him back, but on the other hand, you don’t want to be friends with him. So what’s the correct answer?
The answer may surprise you. According to research, people who want to be friends with their exes at all costs after a breakup may have a severe personality disorder. That’s right – if you can’t let go of your ex and keep trying to be friends with him, it could be a sign that you have a problem.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible person. It doesn’t mean that you’re crazy. But it does mean that you might want to take a step back and think about your actions. Trying to be friends with your ex will only lead to pain – for both of you.
If you’re not sure if you’re suffering from this disorder, here are some signs to look for:
- You can’t stop thinking about your ex
- You keep trying to contact him, even though he doesn’t want to talk to you
- You can’t seem to move on, even though it’s been months (or even years) since the breakup
- You get jealous when you see him with other people
- You can’t seem to let go of the past
Research:
The University of Auckland published a study in the Personality and Individuality journal that asked 861 people about their current relationships. One question inquired, “Are you still friends with your previous partner?”.
Of the participants, 25 percent said they were friends with an ex, while the rest reported no friendship. The study’s co-author, Leahy, believes that people who want to be friends with their exes suffer from “ambiguous loss.” Ambiguous loss is when a person experiences grief even though the person they’re grieving for is still alive. In this case, the person is mourning the loss of the relationship.
“When people experience an ambiguous loss, they often try to grasp at anything that will give them a sense of stability,” Leahy said. “For some people, that might mean trying to remain friends with their ex.”
Exclusions:
However, Dr. Sherman advises not to generalize: “With that said, I want to point out that some of my clients have maintained friendships with their exes for normal and altruistic reasons. Some do it for the kids or because they genuinely care about their former partner’s well-being.”
Bottom line: Being friends with an ex is usually a losing proposition. If you’re struggling to let go of your ex, it might be time to seek professional help. Trust me, and you’ll be glad you did.
What do you think? Have you ever tried to be friends with an ex? How did it turn out?
